Say Yes and...

Am I ashamed of the life I am living right now?

Yes.

Today I saw people walking down the street. This bothered me. I was happy to see it but it bothered me in the sense that, wow, even here people live, and are happy, and are not living their lives as miserably as I do mine.

I had a week where my parents were completely gone. I did nothing. A week of complete isolation.

I didn't have friends over, I didn't do drugs, I didn't drink. I didn't do anything. I got asked to go to LA on a whim at a party a few months ago. I stammered out of it. I am missing opportunities in my life because I refuse to say "yes".

I feel a need in myself to disagree, for conflict, but, every now and then I wonder if really this town is the desolate morass of nothingness. Maybe I've just made it out to be that way. In the meantime, I am ashamed of the hermit-like shell that my life is.

And well, that's pretty much it.

Am I going to wake up one day at 72 and think to myself, "I've lived for nothing"?

It feels that way sometimes.