Thursday, March 13, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
Howdy Folks
Well that last post was nothing short of an embarassing, sobbing mess of a post so i guess i'm just going to have to qualify it with... something.
So in the past few months i've been grappling with the question of motivation. Why am I going to classes and studying things that I literally have no interest in? it does not make sense to me. On that philosophy I have been fairly actively, not going to French and\or -okay "and"- Logic. What this means of course, is that for the most part, and with some great confidence, I am failing both courses.
Naturally this depresses me somewhat.
The dissonance occurs, of course, in the realisation that I care very little about either of these courses. And at this moment in my life i'd much rather be doing something that I legitimately love. This revelation might have sprung out of the utterly phenomenal quarter I had last year, what with my creative writing class and Rose in E105 with professor Ngugi and just all-around amazingness. But that's how it is.
This is a stupid philosophy, but these slipshod ideological trappings are simply there to convince myself that there is a guiding, unitary purpose as to why I would much rather stay at home and play videogames than go to class. It probably will not end well. My parents will probably be rather perturbed by this. At one point or another I will let it slip that "hey mom and dad, I failed two courses this spring. Intentionally... not like American superheroes that came ouf of a botched after-deadline drop attempt, but out of sheer negligence." And they'll be disappointed in me which really just
I hate these courses but I really don't want to disappoint them especially given the faith they've given me in taking care of my own studies. This feels like a betrayal of that trust because it is, and though I really do not like these courses (at all) I feel like I've failed them. and that fucking sucks.
So if you need me I'll be here in the library, trying to convince myself to stop procrastinating and get cracking so I can (maybe, hah, that's a gas) salvage my grades and not have to repeat three courses next quarter. Congratulations to failure of the century.
So in the past few months i've been grappling with the question of motivation. Why am I going to classes and studying things that I literally have no interest in? it does not make sense to me. On that philosophy I have been fairly actively, not going to French and\or -okay "and"- Logic. What this means of course, is that for the most part, and with some great confidence, I am failing both courses.
Naturally this depresses me somewhat.
The dissonance occurs, of course, in the realisation that I care very little about either of these courses. And at this moment in my life i'd much rather be doing something that I legitimately love. This revelation might have sprung out of the utterly phenomenal quarter I had last year, what with my creative writing class and Rose in E105 with professor Ngugi and just all-around amazingness. But that's how it is.
This is a stupid philosophy, but these slipshod ideological trappings are simply there to convince myself that there is a guiding, unitary purpose as to why I would much rather stay at home and play videogames than go to class. It probably will not end well. My parents will probably be rather perturbed by this. At one point or another I will let it slip that "hey mom and dad, I failed two courses this spring. Intentionally... not like American superheroes that came ouf of a botched after-deadline drop attempt, but out of sheer negligence." And they'll be disappointed in me which really just
I hate these courses but I really don't want to disappoint them especially given the faith they've given me in taking care of my own studies. This feels like a betrayal of that trust because it is, and though I really do not like these courses (at all) I feel like I've failed them. and that fucking sucks.
So if you need me I'll be here in the library, trying to convince myself to stop procrastinating and get cracking so I can (maybe, hah, that's a gas) salvage my grades and not have to repeat three courses next quarter. Congratulations to failure of the century.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Run at the mind
So I've been trying to figure out what I enjoy of late. It's a question that frankly, has been evading me because in the process of figuring out what and how and why i need to do things it's been something that i need to figure out
New York was about leaving high school behind, but since then I don't quite know where to move forward. I still do know what I have a slight aptitude for but writing's a stress relief and a joy. It's a passion yes, but it still - at least for me- requires such passion and drive that I very rarely engage in it at all. Gaming is there, yes, but competetive gaming against other players is my darkest side and regular gaming - while truly a joy - remains symptomatic of my hermitude.
REally if I think about it the majority of the things I do that I enjoy revolve around mostly never leaving the house and remaining shielded, aloof, and largely absent from the world outside. Many may recognize this as the lifestyle held by Andy in "The 40-Year-Old Virgin". This awareness does not lend well to any semblance of self-confidence. I'm not proud of who I am and what I enjoy doing. I'm not proud of being a gamer and I'm not proud of being attached to that culture of internet phantoms.
Simultaneously I don't know where to go. More important than the issue of ever getting a girlfriend ( though this point leads there, one hopes ) is the question of "what do you want"? And I do not know. My current vision of happiness involves somebody to laugh and share life with and happily experiencing the mundane together. But that's largely contingent on somebody else being present and getting there entails that I need to be happy with myself first. And that's really been evident in many social situations that I've found myself in is that I am fundamentally unhappy with the way that I am but I don't know how to change that.
I don't want to be stuck in this room forever, with this computer and this harddrive, locked enternally into this masturbatory relationship with an LCD screen and the internet. But beyond that I can't think of anything I enjoy doing by myself.
You have to be okay with yourself, be comfortable in your own skin. But I haven't and I don't. I have moments where I am but for the most part I'm not. And I can't rely on anyone else to do that for me, it's got to be something that I do.
Just remembered, I do love acting.
Maybe I should pursue that more.
New York was about leaving high school behind, but since then I don't quite know where to move forward. I still do know what I have a slight aptitude for but writing's a stress relief and a joy. It's a passion yes, but it still - at least for me- requires such passion and drive that I very rarely engage in it at all. Gaming is there, yes, but competetive gaming against other players is my darkest side and regular gaming - while truly a joy - remains symptomatic of my hermitude.
REally if I think about it the majority of the things I do that I enjoy revolve around mostly never leaving the house and remaining shielded, aloof, and largely absent from the world outside. Many may recognize this as the lifestyle held by Andy in "The 40-Year-Old Virgin". This awareness does not lend well to any semblance of self-confidence. I'm not proud of who I am and what I enjoy doing. I'm not proud of being a gamer and I'm not proud of being attached to that culture of internet phantoms.
Simultaneously I don't know where to go. More important than the issue of ever getting a girlfriend ( though this point leads there, one hopes ) is the question of "what do you want"? And I do not know. My current vision of happiness involves somebody to laugh and share life with and happily experiencing the mundane together. But that's largely contingent on somebody else being present and getting there entails that I need to be happy with myself first. And that's really been evident in many social situations that I've found myself in is that I am fundamentally unhappy with the way that I am but I don't know how to change that.
I don't want to be stuck in this room forever, with this computer and this harddrive, locked enternally into this masturbatory relationship with an LCD screen and the internet. But beyond that I can't think of anything I enjoy doing by myself.
You have to be okay with yourself, be comfortable in your own skin. But I haven't and I don't. I have moments where I am but for the most part I'm not. And I can't rely on anyone else to do that for me, it's got to be something that I do.
Just remembered, I do love acting.
Maybe I should pursue that more.
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