Lies

Reader, it is my duty to inform you that in addition to writing a professional writer must engage in a number of other duties, several of which do not involve writing. It is a prerequisite of the writing profession that one must be a recluse. Indeed, there are several professions that require this from the hermit to the hermit crab, but only in the writer is the case for some solitude truly unique. Though it is not immediately apparant, being a writer also requires a unique art of the internet, television, movies, videogames, and numerous other entertainment medium. Knowledge of these alternative mediums of entertainment are essential because they all distract from the actual physical act of writing, which is the writer's bane. Indeed, in any given day a writer can only dedicate at most one to four hours to writing. Other hours of the day are given to other scholarly pursuits such as Guitar Hero, perusing the internet, and the obligatory solitary sexual act which is the writer's only outlet for sexual tension.

It is ironic then, that the very people who are supposed to be writing about life are so very often the people who experience so little of it. Confined to tiny rooms, writers are supposed to take in the world around them and express on paper their interpretation of the world. Hopefully their expressions are well-written and may someday be chosen to be placed in an anthology of some kind, a book deal or a writing part in a magazine. Most likely though, the writer will continue working at Kohls or Ralphs or waiting tables at the local Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. , watching as his friends and family move onto bigger and better things. In the meantime, in his insular bubble for one to four hours the writer sits, in between sessions of masturbation, waiting for the muses to come.

When the muses do come, they invariably come in the form of something other than the classical greek portrayals of young lithe, nubile nymphs, for while one can only assume that at some point in human history inspiration did actually come forth in the form of these nymphs, the modern writer in his sexual deprivation would simply just be more moved to perform more solitary sexual acts rather than to write. This is why, now in modern times, there are very few references to the muses appearing in the forms of women, but rather in alternative forms. What in ancient times would have been referred to as the coming of the muses today would simply only be called coming in a wet dream.

Obscenities aside, this is truly the existence of a writer. It is also the reason why it is so difficult to make good writing. For the writer must hang in the delicate balance between experiencing life and translating that life onto paper. The writer's stock and trade in life is expression. Many of the best have lived little outside the confines of their rooms and yet have expressed multitudes and fantastic works within their confines. Expression and the quality of expression is the only thing that matters in the profession that is the writer. It is not glamorous, the hours are shoddy, the payoffs often nonexistent. But it is the life of a writer nonetheless.

I thank you for your time reader