Run at the mind

So I've been trying to figure out what I enjoy of late. It's a question that frankly, has been evading me because in the process of figuring out what and how and why i need to do things it's been something that i need to figure out

New York was about leaving high school behind, but since then I don't quite know where to move forward. I still do know what I have a slight aptitude for but writing's a stress relief and a joy. It's a passion yes, but it still - at least for me- requires such passion and drive that I very rarely engage in it at all. Gaming is there, yes, but competetive gaming against other players is my darkest side and regular gaming - while truly a joy - remains symptomatic of my hermitude.

REally if I think about it the majority of the things I do that I enjoy revolve around mostly never leaving the house and remaining shielded, aloof, and largely absent from the world outside. Many may recognize this as the lifestyle held by Andy in "The 40-Year-Old Virgin". This awareness does not lend well to any semblance of self-confidence. I'm not proud of who I am and what I enjoy doing. I'm not proud of being a gamer and I'm not proud of being attached to that culture of internet phantoms.

Simultaneously I don't know where to go. More important than the issue of ever getting a girlfriend ( though this point leads there, one hopes ) is the question of "what do you want"? And I do not know. My current vision of happiness involves somebody to laugh and share life with and happily experiencing the mundane together. But that's largely contingent on somebody else being present and getting there entails that I need to be happy with myself first. And that's really been evident in many social situations that I've found myself in is that I am fundamentally unhappy with the way that I am but I don't know how to change that.

I don't want to be stuck in this room forever, with this computer and this harddrive, locked enternally into this masturbatory relationship with an LCD screen and the internet. But beyond that I can't think of anything I enjoy doing by myself.

You have to be okay with yourself, be comfortable in your own skin. But I haven't and I don't. I have moments where I am but for the most part I'm not. And I can't rely on anyone else to do that for me, it's got to be something that I do.

Just remembered, I do love acting.

Maybe I should pursue that more.