Howdy Folks

Well that last post was nothing short of an embarassing, sobbing mess of a post so i guess i'm just going to have to qualify it with... something.

So in the past few months i've been grappling with the question of motivation. Why am I going to classes and studying things that I literally have no interest in? it does not make sense to me. On that philosophy I have been fairly actively, not going to French and\or -okay "and"- Logic. What this means of course, is that for the most part, and with some great confidence, I am failing both courses.

Naturally this depresses me somewhat.

The dissonance occurs, of course, in the realisation that I care very little about either of these courses. And at this moment in my life i'd much rather be doing something that I legitimately love. This revelation might have sprung out of the utterly phenomenal quarter I had last year, what with my creative writing class and Rose in E105 with professor Ngugi and just all-around amazingness. But that's how it is.

This is a stupid philosophy, but these slipshod ideological trappings are simply there to convince myself that there is a guiding, unitary purpose as to why I would much rather stay at home and play videogames than go to class. It probably will not end well. My parents will probably be rather perturbed by this. At one point or another I will let it slip that "hey mom and dad, I failed two courses this spring. Intentionally... not like American superheroes that came ouf of a botched after-deadline drop attempt, but out of sheer negligence." And they'll be disappointed in me which really just

I hate these courses but I really don't want to disappoint them especially given the faith they've given me in taking care of my own studies. This feels like a betrayal of that trust because it is, and though I really do not like these courses (at all) I feel like I've failed them. and that fucking sucks.

So if you need me I'll be here in the library, trying to convince myself to stop procrastinating and get cracking so I can (maybe, hah, that's a gas) salvage my grades and not have to repeat three courses next quarter. Congratulations to failure of the century.