On my relationship with the group dynamic.

Spurred by Roger Ebert's post on matters Alcoholics Anonymous, I began to wonder about my own relationship with various provably addictive substances and why exactly it is that I've avoided them.

I've avoided them for any number of reasons: laziness, lack of commitment to actively taking something. Shame perhaps. When I speak of chemically addictive substances I mean substances that produce an active and irreversible (at least naturally) chemical addiction to a substance. This includes but is not limited to nicotene, cocaine, heroin. But, after all, Ebert was posting about alcohol, so let's start there.

It's worth mentioning I was almost absolutely certain that by the time I was 21 at least I'd be drinking myself into a miserable stupor on a regular basis. Nobody made this conclusion for me, I predicted such a future for myself. I am a notoriously poor judge of what positive outcomes will arise in my future and this was simply a manifestation of that, but, it was grounded in more factual grounds than other considerations of emotions and angst or otherwise. I was consistently depressed, I lost myself into obsessions, and I figured it was only a matter of time where once I got hooked into something, I wouldn't let go.

Few problems:

You do not think about your ADD when you have ADD but clearly I underestimated the effects of ADD on me (rhyming intentional). Even though I did lose myself into obsessive quandries over various escapist phenomena, I flipped. Constantly. Batted through channels, interest, videogames picked up and dropped in th eflick of the hat. Furthermore drugs and chemical addictions reeked of this miserable and awful thing that I did, and still do immensely despise: and that is obligation.

Nothing is fixed in the world, I prefer my world with as many possibilities and chances to adapt as possible. So anything that removes that choice, I dislike. I like being able to flip around.

But by the same token this affects my ability to work in a group dynamic. I do like people, I love people, the presence of people is a joy and their interactions form the greater human canvas by which I observe and inform everything I do with. That said, working with them can ve tiresome. After all, why do things to make everyone happy when you could just make it right? Ultimately it all comes down to a lack of respect for anyone' sopinion other than my own when it comes to matters i care about. I meana, wow I'm just making myself sound like an asshole.

Point is: I prefer working alone. More than any depression, angst or suicidal thoughts (and there have been more than one) I value agency. You have to keep your options open, it's the only way to be adaptable. By definition of course.


Well this was a fun meander. Let's do this again sometime.

-Viet